erin o face.

NYC is fucking awesome, but this week is not.

One friend committed suicide, two lengthy trips to the dmv, $2,300 pointless doctor bill, one lost wallet, one highly-anticipated-and-now-cancelled date with an impossibly hot australian and one day spent entirely in bed trying to process all the happy in my life coming to a screeching halt.

And it’s only Thursday.

On the upside, I did find a movie theatre in Brooklyn that has classic movie nights, free popcorn and cocktail service during screenings. I was nearly brought to tears whilst being handed a whiskey sour during Roman Holiday. 

I move to NYC in a week and a half….

This is fucking it, people. This is the day I’ve been dreaming of for four years. I’m about to start my goddamn life and I plan to make it for the greater good. I will hone my skills, pursue my passions and harness any attention I gain to a cause more worthy than myself. 

I sincerely hope this is where I become the person I’m supposed to be. Otherwise, I’m out of ideas.

Hope you all are doing well and in good health. My best regards.

erin o.

If you’re wondering where I’ve been (probably not), I’ve been a bit busy. Between a few health hiccups, working non-stop, second degree burns, and packing, I forgot I even had this thing. But the moment has arrived. Next week, I finally leave Philadelphia.

So, as I’m sure this surprises no one who’s known me for more than five minutes, I’m find myself reflecting on this. While I would like to say that I am 100% thrilled about a move I’ve been dreaming of for a few years now, with a tangible end date approaching, I feel little pang of sadness. Despite the nonsense, which I will try not to dwell on, I’ve had the good fortune of meeting some truly brilliant and lovely people. The impression they’ve made on me, the grace they posses, the one-too-manys we’ve had I wouldn’t trade for the world. I believe I’m a better person for having known them and they’re a little bit crazier for having hung out with me. You know who you are and you are always welcome in my home. However, room and board will cost you a cheese platter or two

I’ve learned a thing or two about myself here. For instance, I have an unbridled hatred for litterbugs, I can withstand the smell of pungent urine for about 32 seconds, I perform best under copious amounts of coffee and anxiety, my attraction to impossible men will be the death of me and tequila and I should never see each other again. Most of all, I found out that I have endurance; Endurance that I hope to carry with me in all the places I hope to live, or by some cosmic freak accident, wind up in residence. It’s been the swift kick in the pants I needed at the perfect time in my life. I was introduced to the reality that no one thinks your special, the world will carry on with or without you and, despite what you’ve been told, no one can make you successful but you. If I could survive and escape this glorious, unapologetic shithole, I think I’m doing something right.

@erinoface (of course)

Follow me because I tend to be amusing. I’ll follow ya back.

can really give you an idea of how you handle painful things in life. Apparently, I am the type that takes two shots of gin, a few deep breaths, gets it over with, then punches a wall and takes another shot of gin. Sounds about right.

There have got to be easier paths to self discovery.

So I haven’t been posting because I feel like my body is falling apart and it’s done a number on my motivation to do just about anything. I have this problem with my stomach and lower intestine. Long story short, I have to subsist off of veggies, veggie broth, veggie smoothies and GARLIC WATER for a month, and then the fun’s just getting started. At the end of this detox, I will develop horrendous “flu-like” symptoms, which apparently mean I’m almost better. 

One month of none of the following:

Sugar, carbs, booze, caffeine, diet coke, cigarettes, mushrooms, bagels, candy, pistachios, peanuts, fruit, salad dressing, soy milk, ice cream, caffeine, corn chips, pasta, sticky rice, ketchup, vinegar, butter, peeing less than 30 times a day, and (mostly likely) getting laid. Did I mention caffeine?

Today begins Hell Month. It is going to be so epic in its awfulness that it just might get its own hashtag.

but this is by far the hardest. I have spent the past week volleying between liberation and devestation. Sometimes I cry my eyes out and curse his name, curse the universe, curse the tragic circumstance. Sometimes, I am thankful for the chance to function on a selfish level and “do me” again, but I’m not the type of person who can just walk away from someone without worrying endlessly about how I left them.

I have moments where I feel like I can’t do it. I can’t leave because it’s easier to stay, easier to accept it is what it is, but I know that if i I do, my life is over before it’s started. 

I love him, but I can’t be the only thing he sees worth a damn in his life. I want him to have his own happiness, something he doesn’t need me for. Sometimes, when you’re stuck in such an awful rut and you feel like you have just fucked up everything up, it becomes clear to you what you have to fix and re-prioritize about yourself. Who do you need to become to overcome that mess that you were?

I kinda wish the rapture happened so that I didn’t have to deal with it. But alas, religion solves nothing in my life and here I am trying to make sense of how you leave a person you still love. 

Hope things are well in your neck of the woods. Namaste.

and it could change my life as it is right now, but that might not be the worst thing, even though it feels like it. I just hope I have the brains to handle it properly and the nerve to seem like I should be taken seriously.

My apologies for being vague. Can’t really say much more than that.